Out of the dark...Into the Light

So I had a great time with Brandon yesterday and then this morning. I drove down to Peoria yesterday morning and then got a hotel room. I mean I could have gone to his parents house but i didnt want to meet his parents yet. You know what I mean. Well we talked and made out. But no sex. I am being a really good girl. I don't know what is wrong with me. Actually I do know its called getting your period 2 weeks early. Man it sucks. We watched movbies and talked and stuff. Then he went to work and I stayed in the hotel room. He got back from work at 330 in the morning. I waited up so i could see him. Then of course we made out some more. But the best part of the trip is when he gave me something. Yeah i know he gave me something. I was like no way. He was like I was going to go to the mall and get u something but I was not sure what u liked sooo i got this for u instead. And he pulls out this tshirt. He told me that it was his favorite tshirt that he owned and he wanted me to have it. I was like cool. It was one of his football tshirts from high school. It is kinda cool i mean I never liked a football player before. So now I have his tshirt and i am wearing it right now. It smells like him. I think it is soo cool. I mean he is a huge guy but its all good. I just hope my friends like him when they meet him.

Current Mood: cheerful

OK, So school starts really really really soon. I am looking forward to it. I also like a guy. Yeah and this guy likes me. He lives in Peoria, IL and he is 23 will be 24 in Nov. He is a nice guy very sweet has a job . He was a football player in highschool. Ummm well if you have seen varsity blues. He is the fat one. Its all good. I mean I am not super skinny. He is a very large boy but he has such a cute face and great personality. I just dont know i mean he could be like soo hot if he lost weight, but I dont care. So i met him on Tuesday and then came home. He has called me like 6 times every day since then. He wants me to come back down tomorrow and stay the night. I told him I would love to. I mean we wont do anythning because my damn period came 2 weeks early, but i like him. I dont know what will happen but it is nice to have a guy talk to me and stuff and think i am hot. Well I will have to tell u how it all goes.

So Saturday I went on a date. It was a fun date. I mean he was a good guy and I made out with him. However, I do not care if he calls. If he calls cool if he doesn't its all good. Tonight I am going on another date. His name is Jeff and I have known him for a long time. I worked with him in high school at Beef A Roo. Me and him are kinda weird because I have kissed him but we have never gone on a date or anything. Well he asked me out and I said ok. So tonight I am going to go see Wedding Crashers with Jeff. Kelli has seen Jeff and I asked her what she thought of him and she said he was hot. When I look at Jeff I think man its Jeff. I havent seen him in like 2 years. He is a really nice guy so I hope maybe I can feel something for him. I mean he tells me he has fantasized about me and then last night he was writing some poetry cheesy stuff to me. Like Aneela said who knows if he really wrote it. I am not sure if he did but it was smooth i have to give him that. For a hopeless romantic who likes having guys read poetry to her, this could be fun. Well at least this one knows what I look like. I am the exact same since the last time he has seen me. Well wish me luck. So man how many guys can I go out with in 2 months. So far it has been 6. Anyways talk to u all later to tell u what happened.

table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#FEA7B6" align="center">Your Kissing Purity Score: 23% Pure</td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#FFCED6">

I am so tired of the school I work at. I mean i love the kids and most of the staff. I just hate haivng my dad be the superattendant and acting principal of my school. I mean I do so much damn stuff for the school and I get no credit for it. I am soccer coach, student council advisor, and after care worker. But when others do extra work my dad will give them some kinda of recognition or something., Do I. Of course not. I get yelled because I told him I would not go to an open house tonight. I am sorry if I was in Canada like I was suppose to I would not have gone. I am sick of him being a prick. Like tonight when I said I would not go he was like well if we dont get enrollment then you wont have a job. And I said well I dont really care about this job anymore. Cuz I do nt. I mean I have almost completed my my masters and will I ever be able to get on the leadership team. Of course not because he doesnt want to play favorites. SO instead he picks some prick who I work with who is a huge suck up and back stabber. Who doesnt know a skunk from a deer. I am so pissed off. He makes me feel guilty because i dont want to go. Since I have been working at GLoria dei I have only missed 2 of the open houses. My teasm mates together have only been to 3 open houses total. So why does he expect me to say yes and drop everythng and they dont have to. OO yeah I know why it is because I have no life. That is what he told me. He said it would be good for me to get away from the computer and see people. FUck people. People are back stabbers and jerks and I like my computer. Here I can talk to who I want or not talk to them. I don't have to worry about if my hair is done. Plus I like my pjs. I have alot of stuff on my mind and the school is not one of them. I mean I am thinking about finding a job some where else and moving away. I dont even care where I live but far away from my parents. I am sick of how much they are in my life. I hate it. I hide in the basement so I dont have to see them. I like that. God I am soo pissed off he can get made at me i do not care. because I have gone to so many of those damn things one will not kill me. FUck him , Fuck all men.

Current Mood: enraged

So I am back from Canada. I got home on Sunday. I left early because i could not live without technology. It was really pretty up there and I had fun fishing. I caught some big fish, but I was just not happy. It also didn't help that Jeremy was calling me up there all the time. I do not know what to do. I mean I hate Jeremy, but I am drawn to talking to him. He wants me back so badly I like that feeling knowing that I am in control that he screwed up and he knows it. I wish that I could take him back and love him but I can't. I know I can't. I mean it is not worth losing my family and friends over him. I feel really bad becaue I have these feelings for him. I mean he asked me to come see him again and I told him I couldn't deep down I wanted to. Its not that I totally want to be with him I just want him to cheat on Misty. I mean that is the only reason why I would do anything and that is a bad thing to do. But I feel like she deserves it because she knew about me and it was her idea for him to sleep with her. I am not saying Jeremy was innocent because he isnt.

I met another guy from match. His name is Mike and he is 32. We have been talking for a while, but I am scared to meet him because like the other guys he probably wont like me cuz i am fat. I hate that. Guys suck ass. Whatever. Anyways me and Mike were talking last night about exs and all of a sudden he said his exs name and how she wanted to move to Florida to be with her mom and dad. And well the name of the girl he said was Julie which i have a cousin named julie and my aunt and uncle live in Florida. Well then I asked him what her parents names were. It ends up to make a long story short. He was engaged to my cousin Julie. Julie is a slut so I asked what happend and he said she cheated on him and I was like ooo that sounds like my counsin. What a small world. It is weird sometimes how people meet.


I wish that I had never met Jeremy just because then I wouldnt feel like he is the only guy I can attract. It sucks because he wants me back but no other guy wants me. I feel icky inside. I hate that feeling. Well I am taking this week easy and next week I will get my class together. The first day of school isnt until 24th, but we have meetings starting the 17th.

Current Mood: numb
Current Music: britanny spears

Canada here I come. So I am done packing and I am ready to go. The only thing I am scared about is no cell phone or internet. I know that I will live , but that is a lot of communication taken away from me. It is basically all of my communication taken away. I hope that nothing happens while i am gone. I mean no terrible storms or anything. Cuz we do not even have television. I am so not looking forward to this no technology thing. I am bringing my lap top just in case i can find internet somewhere. I am a little nervous. I can not sleep this sucks.

So today I feel like I have been running around with my head cut off. I Have been grocery shopping and packing and everything. I leave tomorrow for Canada. I am a little scared because no cell phone service or internet. I may go into withdrawl. I hate packing for two weeks that is a long time to pack for. I am tired of doing it already and i havent started this sucks. Well i gotta pack later.

I need a support group. I really do. I need a no guys needed support group. It is like fighting an addiction. I am addicted to him. I hate this. I am driving myself crazy. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I feel asleep and never woke up. That way I don't have to worry about my heart. My heart is so vulnerable. Man does it suck.I am happy i will be going to Canada soon. I m scared. God please help me.

In my dream world Jeremy would be nice. He would have had a great job, a terrific person, and he would nt have cheated on me. Why cant it be perfect. Why is it that the man who i love is not a good one for me. I am trying so hard not to think about him but it is hard. I shouldnt talk to him anymore, but i cant help it. I am intrigued by what he has to say. I like hearing him complain about his life saying he made a mistake. I love that. I love hearing him say he misses me how he thinks about me. It makes me feel good knowing this. I need a support group. I need someone to slap me and say stop dreaming stop thinking like this. The only way that I can stay sane and not run to him is by typing on here. I bet u guys are going to get annoyed at me because of all my stupidenous, but whatever. I guess I need to deal I am not ready to date because when I am with the guys i think I talk to much about my past with him. I m not ready yet thought i was but i am not. Not ready at all. Damn I wish I was, wish i wasnt so in love with him. Can someone hit me please knock some sense in me. I am being really stupid and I know it. This sucks.

Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: Love Hurts

So Erik the guy I had a good date with well he emailed me. He basically said I am a great person had a wonderful time with me, but I am not sexually attractive. That sucks. I mean I am starting to hate people.I am starting to think maybe I am as ugly as they say. Why does it hurt when it shouldnt. Tonights date was cool I wasnt really attracted though I mean he is ok, but not my type. Well kinda my type but he said i reminded him of his sister that isnt cool. Guys suck ass. I hate being ugly

Have u ever hated someone so much because u loved them still. That is how I am right now. I hate Jeremy because I love him. I don't want to but I do. I hate that affect he has. I love the good times, not the bad times. I miss how he made me feel. I hate the fact that I will never wake up to see his face. Why does God make us love people we shouldn't. I know I shouldn't love him but I would love to see him one more time. I would love to break up him and his stupid wife. I mean he told me he only married her because she was pregnaunt. Now if that wasnt a stupid reason. I dont know what is. I am being strong. He asked me to come see him and I said no. I told him I couldnt that I cant and he said ok. Then he told me how he missed seeing my face every morning when he woke up. I hate him for that. I hate hating, but i cant help it. I hate him because he has a strong pull on my heart and I hate him more because he said sorry. If he didnt say sorry it would have been better. I hate him because he is going to church and he is going to counseling and I hate him because he misses me. I Hate him. I hate him because I can't hate him. I hate him because I can forgive him for everything. I hate him because he was my first real love. Dumb ass I wish he would go to Hell.

Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Isnt it ironic

So tonight I go on another date. 3 guys in one week. It is really fun. This guy is named SHaun and he seems nice. I mean I like keeping my options open I mean never know when u will find mister right. He is taking me to Paneras and then a movie most likely. I can't wait. This guy is tall so that is good and he is really smart an engineer and physics major from augustana. He is 26 and will be 27 sept 7. Well anyways I will have to fill u in .

Jeremy Im me today. He told me he lives in Park Forest and that he is married now. I think that is cool. I hope he is and stufff. Cuz whatever. When he told me that it did not hurt me at all. I mean I couldn't have cared one bit or anything. I like knowing that he has his own life. i like having my own life. I met another guy off of match. His name is Shaun. He seems really nice. He wants to go out with me sometime this week. Since sat I go to Canada. Anyways I am having a good day.

So tonight I had a great date. This guy was so my type. I think he enjoyed himself to because he was laughing and smiling at me all night long. We ate dinner at Cheddars and stuff and we talked for 2 hrs. It was nice talk. I had a great time. I hope he likes me I mean i think he might because when he gave me a hug the second time it was a long hug. I am very attracted to this guy to he said he would call me so I hope he does. I could really enjoy myself with him. He was so normal and not weird. I hope he calles me. It was wonderful, he even bought me dinner. I am just exstatic.

So after going on a date with Dmitri and it not working I decided to keep up with the dating scene. Tonight I have another date. I am going out with Erik. He seems pretty nice he is taking me out to dinner after he gets off of work. It was funny because on Thurs. he said he would call me Friday, but it was like 11 30 and he still didnt so I was like it is cool, most guys dont call when they say they will. Then at 11 59 he called me. HE was like hey I told you I would call u on Friday. He seems really cool. I am not sure if we kick it off or not but we will see. He had my dad as a math teacher in high school, I think that is funny. Anyways, I hope I have a good date. I am not worried about this one.

Stacey

Current Mood: calm

OK so 2 days ago Jeremy emailed me and stuff. Well today I checked my email and guess who is know bothering me. It is Matt's use to be ex girlfriend now fiance. I mean she is kinda evil. I broke up with Matt and he went back to his ex and now she keeps emailing me to tell me that they got engaged. Like I really care. Not really. I do not even care that they exist. If i did I would have been psycho and called him every day 20 times like she did. What a crazy ass. Im not crazy and I am not missing anything with out matt. Matt is a total jerk to let her do this. So i forwarded the email to matt so he would know what his psyhco fiance is doing. What a total bitch. I hate ex's I want to move out of this state.

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: These boots were made for walking

Most of you are probably wondering how my date with Dmitri went. Well lets say that he is a nice guy who knows he is a nice guy :). I am not trying to be mean, but he knows he is a nice guy and always likes to remind me of that. So how can I say this without sounding mean. Cuz I really do think he is a great guy and could have potential one day if he gets over his issues. However, the question is would I want him even if he did get over his issues.

His issue is my weight. He said that he loves my personality and thinks I am pretty, but he can't get over the fact of how big I am. He said that it isnt my fault it is because he has issues within himself that he has to deal with. Basically he is worried about what his friends would think if he dated a fat chick. He is worried that they would be mean to me and stuff. I don't think he is really worried about my feelings with this, but his. Cuz personally what people say doesnt bother me because those people are shallow and stupid and just need to get a life. The point is that I maybe fat, but I am a healthy fat chick. No high blood pressure, no cholesteral problem, and no diabetes. I am just fat. Its not like I didnt know I was fat. I mean after 25 I have come to the realization that I am fat and I can try to lose it and when I do lose it, I will be hot. SO hot and no stupid guy who thinks that my fatness is an issue will ever , ever get me then.

So what was my first impression of him. I think he is a nice guy who has some flaws. How do I say this with out sounding like a total jerk. He was not Joshua JAckson. He wasn't Tom Welling and he wasn't even Slator from saved by the bell. He had a nice body, kinda skinny for me. I mean a guy who thinks he is overweight when he is 5'9 and 169 lbs and needs to lose 9 more lbs to be happy does have issues. I was going to look past the fact he wasn't my type, but not after he said he would not be able to kiss me until I basically lost 30 lbs or so. I love myself enough to know that isnt cool.

I mean I am not trying to be mean to him because I know he is most likely reading this right now. I am just saying that he didn't kiss me but I didn't want him to. Plus I really am shallow also. I mean I wasn't going to keep talking to him after he sent me his pic because I knew he really wasn't my type, but Amy told me to stop being shallow and give it a try. He did say I was very Fuckable though. I guess that is a complement. It means that he could have sex with me. I told him he was fuckable to because when u have sex with a friend there is no emotional stuff attached. I am not mad at him about how he feels. He says he doesnt want to give up on me because I am perfect he just wants me to lose weight and then he could most likely date me. So what can I say. I was willing to look past flaws, but not when someone can't look past mine. I am still going to be his friend and no what if I need some action I know where to go. So that was my date with him. Didn't end like a fairy tale, but most dates do not. Didn't end how I would have liked it, but I am still very happy that I have a new friend out of it. I am stacey and I know that I will find a guy who loves me for me and until that time I am fine just being me and single.

Current Mood: satisfied
Current Music: Respect